It is still beyond the limits of my reasoning how a huge pile of crap called
‘Bodyfart’ ‘Bodyguard’ could break the all time records of Box Office collections. The only things it was supposed to break were (A) Salman’s delusion of being an actor (B) Viewers’ balls due to sheer torture and (C) The never ending series of crappy Salman movies. On the contrary(and unfortunately) what happened was that (A) Salman’s delusion went a notch up to ‘egocentricity’ (B) Viewers’ took a liking to self-castration and happily shelled money for the procedure and (C) The aforementioned series reached a new milestone!
The unprecedented success of something( I am still unable to call it a movie) like Bodyguard speaks volumes about the Bollywood and the average Indian film viewer. But I’ll deal with those two a bit later on. Right now, let’s train our guns at Sallu miyan!
The guy can’t act even if his life depended on it. Mr. Khan suffers from congenital constipation which is very much evident in the weird faces he makes on the screen. To tell you the truth- Sheru, the hydrophobic dog in my hostel, has a more expressive face than Salman Khan. And I bet even the most hardcore Sallu fan doesn’t have the balls to defend him on this one.
The only dance form he learnt seems to be a cross between the movements of a waiter,a juggler and a stripper and includes vulgar shriveling of his waxed butt, flexing of steroid pumped biceps and innuendo gesticulations. I don’t know how can people who have watched Hrithik, Shahid and Prabhudeva even stand the I-have-an-itch-everywhere gig of Salman!
Salman is known to throw tantrums and change the script at his will, something which seems fitting only on genuine actors like Aamir Khan,Johnny Depp, Big B and Hrithik Roshan, not a gutter trash like himself. His firm belief in ‘acting is a form of impromptu’ policy makes him any co-star’s nightmare.
There are many actors in Bollywood who can’t act or dance or both- Akshay Kumar, Ranbir Kapoor, Abhishek Bachchan, Tushar Kapoor, John Abraham, Arjun Rampal….the list is long. But they all have unique traits – from being a hog-swirling casanova to being the sperms of a veteran actors; from having a demagogic bitch as a sister to being good looking homosexuals – that have helped them falsely establish themselves as stars(not actors still, mind you!). But Salman even doesn’t have these traits,which makes his popularity seem all the more stupid and irritating.
People will tell you, it’s the ‘Salman phenomenon‘. I don’t know whoever coined that term, but he surely must have had brains the size of a rat’s droppings. If you want to see a real ‘phenomenon’, just take a look at a DiCaprio or a Depp movie. That’s called solely driving a movies to success. The ‘Salman phenomenon’ is nothing but a brainless script that is easy for a plebeian mind to comprehend and digest + some shitty comic scenes that stopped generating humour after the 19th century + an item number with a catchy but entirely meaningless line + excessive publicity of the star’s humanitarian side (like that’s got anything to do with the movie at all; even my hostel mess workers wear Being Human tees. That doesn’t make them good actors!) + a strategic release on a communal holiday. That’s how you get a hit in India. No wonder the dearth of Oscars!
Well, only a fool like Salman Khan could/should/would do the kind of movies he does. And Bollywood promotes him for the sole purpose of selling these otherwise trashy scripts. It’s a carefully planned out symbiotic relationship that cultivates a maniacal liking for something which, in reality, ought to be farted upon! But such are the times that public ko apna ch**iya katwa ke bada mazaa aata hai!
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