The Shit Serving Duo of Bollywood and Salman Khan!

It is still beyond the limits of my reasoning how a huge pile of crap called ‘Bodyfart’ ‘Bodyguard’ could break the all time records of Box Office collections. The only things it was supposed to break were  (A) Salman’s delusion of being an actor (B) Viewers’ balls due to sheer torture and (C) The never ending series of crappy Salman movies. On the contrary(and unfortunately) what happened was that (A) Salman’s delusion went a notch up to ‘egocentricity’ (B) Viewers’ took a liking to self-castration and happily shelled money for the procedure and (C) The aforementioned series reached a new milestone!

The unprecedented success of something( I am still unable to call it a movie) like Bodyguard speaks volumes about the Bollywood and the average Indian film viewer. But I’ll deal with those two a bit later on. Right now, let’s train our guns at Sallu miyan!

The guy can’t act even if his life depended on it. Mr. Khan suffers from congenital constipation which is very much evident in the weird faces he makes on the screen. To tell you the truth- Sheru, the hydrophobic dog in my hostel, has a more expressive face than Salman Khan. And I bet even the most hardcore Sallu fan doesn’t have the balls to defend him on this one.
The only dance form he learnt seems to be a cross between the movements of a waiter,a juggler and a stripper and includes vulgar shriveling of his waxed butt, flexing of steroid pumped biceps and innuendo gesticulations. I don’t know how can people who have watched Hrithik, Shahid and Prabhudeva  even stand the I-have-an-itch-everywhere gig of Salman!
Salman is known to throw tantrums and change the script at his will, something which seems fitting only on genuine actors like Aamir Khan,Johnny Depp, Big B and Hrithik Roshan, not a gutter trash like himself. His firm belief in ‘acting is a form of impromptu’ policy makes him any co-star’s nightmare.

There are many actors in Bollywood who can’t act or dance or both- Akshay Kumar, Ranbir Kapoor, Abhishek Bachchan,  Tushar Kapoor, John Abraham, Arjun Rampal….the list is long. But they all have unique traits – from being a hog-swirling casanova to being the sperms of a veteran actors; from having a demagogic bitch as a sister to being good looking homosexuals – that have helped them falsely establish themselves as stars(not actors still, mind you!). But Salman even doesn’t have these traits,which makes his popularity seem all the more stupid and irritating.

People will tell you, it’s the ‘Salman phenomenon‘. I don’t know whoever coined that term, but he surely must have had brains the size of a rat’s droppings. If you want to see a real ‘phenomenon’, just take a look at a DiCaprio or a Depp movie. That’s called solely driving a movies to success. The ‘Salman phenomenon’ is nothing but a brainless script that is easy for a plebeian mind to comprehend and digest + some shitty comic scenes that stopped generating humour after the 19th century + an item number with a catchy but entirely meaningless line + excessive publicity of the star’s humanitarian side (like that’s got anything to do with the movie at all; even my hostel mess workers wear Being Human tees. That doesn’t make them good actors!) + a strategic release on a communal holiday. That’s how you get a hit in India. No wonder the dearth of Oscars!

Well, only a fool like Salman Khan could/should/would do the kind of movies he does. And Bollywood promotes him for the sole purpose of selling these otherwise trashy scripts. It’s a carefully planned out symbiotic relationship that cultivates a maniacal liking for something which, in reality, ought to be farted upon! But such are the times that public ko apna ch**iya katwa ke bada mazaa aata hai!

Also read The Prostitutionalization of MTV India

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20 thoughts on “The Shit Serving Duo of Bollywood and Salman Khan!”

  1. Lol. This post cracked me up. Thanks for that. =P

    I’m not a Salmon Khan hater, but I’m baffled why people keep going to his movies in hordes when he pretty much plays the same character (i.e. himself) in all his recent, blockbuster releases.

  2. Now this was really a crap.. Anyone could easily make out from this article what your mind’s size is..
    Its just that, you can’t accept the fact.. And when you say Ranbir is also in the list, you yourself are a crap. Not a single line in the whole article has ANY KIND OF LOGIC!
    Now how in world could you even compare Dicaprio and Salman?? They are actors of completely different genres, completely different regions.

    Salman must have told a 100 times, that he makes films explicitly for Indian audiences and doesn’t like doing sad ending movies, like all your so called ‘good actors’ do… A fact, you accept it or not, but is true that a film should be entertaining, as we go to theaters to entertain ourselves, not to go and apply a lots of mind there and then cry at the end!!
    Those ‘sympathetic’ roles are only needed by your so called ‘good actors’. 😀

    Grow up dude.. Its your blog, you are free to write anything about anyone you like. But when you write such crap, you prove your narrow mentality and just cannot accept the facts..

    If 500 million people like something and you don’t, its either you are Einstein type personality or you need to see a mental doctor. And everyone is pretty sure, you’re definitely not the former! 😛

  3. Havvy entertaining hai ji and pretty spot on!!!! These “superstars” take the audience to have pea sized brains ….dish out lame-ass movies …forgetting in the process they are gonna earn loads of moolah …sure but won’t be ever revered and remembered for farts like bodyguard, ra.one , desi-boyz(this one was really wtf) blah blah!!!!

  4. Dude you are a big time jerk….watch your language. If you really want to be a critic,at least get a marketeable lingo. Just writing few instances will not prove Sallu to be a non actor. Sarcasm has its own rules 🙂

      1. 😀 infact blog did half of your work!! the language is bad and ideas are trash!! If the radicals are bad, these weird modernists are worst….

  5. Hey buddy you have written things quite one sided.. although most of the things are up to the point, still you have forgotten mentioning some great names in good actors list clearly shows that everything depends on your own flavor for things… you are seemingly one of the greatest fans of Depp and HR, but how can one forget Morgan Freeman Al puccino and SRK in this list….

    and about Sallu Mia… jab kisi ki kismat achi hoti h to his s**t is also worth a million dollors… so no one can help that…

  6. I agree about salman doesn’t know A of acting .But i beg to differ in case of Ranbir Kapoor. he can jolly well can act! and can dance well too.

  7. Agreed.

    BUT don’t you think there is HUGE class of the ‘average Indian movie goer’ which finds a few hours of headless comedy precisely in movies as these? I mean there are many damn issues in the world out there to keep you sobbing for the rest of your life, so a few hours of shedding-senses-to-escape-from-reality approach won’t do much harm.

    Keeping the ‘commercial success of these films leading to a growth in their number’ phenomenon aside don’t you think a once in a while Salman show should not be much of an issue? Dont you think everybody cannot appreciate/like a Rakeysh Omprakash Mehra/Christopher Nolan film and that its ultimately a matter of choice/opinion?

    PS: I AM NOT A SALMAN FAN

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