10 Very Good (And Highly Speculative) Reasons Behind J.Jayalalithaa’s Publicity Gimmick

REASON NO. 1

Because frankly, with all the self conceited astronomical splurging of the taxpayer’s money by our very own behen Maya ‘Douchebag’ Vati up north, and with Mamata BANnerjee’s refusal to co-operate with anything living, dead  dying or in a vegetative state (aka the ‘Manmohan Singh syndrome’) due east, the women politics’ scene badly needed another angle. With Jayalalitha back in the scene, the situation has surely got the much needed edge. I’m pretty sure there is an edge. Just might have to dig through kilometer deep layers of fat to get to it though.

REASON NO. 2

Because unlike others, Jayalalithaa’s government is the most efficient, most corruption free, most achieving and most important of all, most concerned with people’s interest. Or so Miss J. wants us to believe through her full frontal scenes. *Pun strongly intended*

REASON NO. 3

Because no available technology/software could fit J.Jayalalithaa into a smaller space.

REASON NO. 4

Because in the long, incessant war between the North and the South over who is the more ASSorted part of India, this is a battle won for the Dravidians. What better a smack than wiping out pages of a leading northern daily with your southie government’s anniversary celebrations. Hurray! Go Amma!

REASON NO. 5

Because it is TOI- The Trash of India. The advertisements somehow always make more sense than the news in that newspaper.

REASON NO. 6

Because Mr. A Raja finally needed to be told to stop hogging the limelight like a week old hungry pig suddenly released in the cellar of a 5-star hotel. Somebody needed to stand up and tell him that he cannot just expect to make it to the front page every-fucking-time. DAAAYYYM bro, that ain’t happening no more ! AIADMK 1. DMK-0.

REASON NO. 7

Because NEVER is the number of times that the Indian print media would get enough of revenue from advertisements.  Newspapers are the only example of human-controlled black holes, devouring any ad space-buyer that chances upon their way. I’m sure the day is not far when the hawkers delivering the newspapers would also be tattooed with advertisements.

REASON NO. 8

Because when Silk Smitha got to walk away with all the tinsel town attention, Miss. J must have felt ignored like hell. And that’s how the Big Mommy replies!

REASON NO. 9

Because this is India. The national goal of 21st century India is to be remembered in the future as the diarrhoeal asshole of the world. Both literally and figuratively. How else could you explain our population rate and shit-piling of the finest order like this one?

REASON NO. 10

Because when you are Jayalalitha, size is the only thing that matters.

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Kab, Queue, Kahan: India’s fixation with lines and gender parity!

Of all the things I hate (and there are many!), having to go to a sweet shop in festive season surely features in the Top 20. Being born in a country obsessed with food, sweets in particular, comes with its own set of problems. Festivals don’t really get their culture and traditional factor pumped up unless there has been a royal exchange of sweet boxes for every single one of the nC2 combinations, ‘n’ here being the number of relatives and friends one has. And ‘n’ being a very generous number for all of us, it is imperative that nC2 gives us hell and makes sure that one third of our time is wasted in purchasing sweets, another one-third in distributing them (and getting stuck in traffic jams), and the leftover in wondering what to do with the Giga tons of sweets that have taken over our living rooms and kitchens.

Anyway, coming back to the point, it was Diwali time and I was at Bikanerwala. Apparently, this guy is like the Jim Morrison of the sweets business, and everyone wants a piece of his stuff (no pun intended)! The scene was frightening, to say the least- Baffled uncles running around with lists, aunties yelling at the staff for cheating them of their pieces of Kaju Barfi and kids squealing and jumping around. I mentally replaced all the sweets with fire and Jimmy’s staff with devil’s imps and I could very well visualize what hell would look like!

Amidst this entire hullabaloo, in one corner of the shop, there were two neatly formed queues for billing- One for ladies and one for gents! I couldn’t help but laugh when I saw this. Apparently, India has a huge obsession with the 2 queue system. From the long ‘l’ shaped ones at railway stations and government offices to the wavering horizontals at Gol Gappe/Tikki joints, queues in India always exist in pairs. Like the poles of a magnet. Many theories have been propounded to explain this phenomenon. The most prominent ones include the Theory of Equality of Women, Theory of Convenience to the Fairer (by which they mean weaker) Sex, Theory of Hypocritical Display of Gender Parity and the Theory of Touchy Feely. And so it had come to this? Purchasing sweets had also become another variable in setting the male-female equation right? Pardon me for my naivety if I am unable to figure out the relation between gender parity and (purchase of) Gulab Jamuns! But, in a country obsessed with proving it has the largest number of morons, this seemed to be another feather in the cap of the supposed guardians of female rights. Really?

Sisters, mothers and others, if you really believe that most men of this country will not ogle at you if you stand in a separate queue, that you won’t be mentally undressed by most of them if you stand 5 feet farther, and that this virtual sexual assault is not as bad as actual physical advances, please do form a separate queue.

Feminists, women’s rights activists and promoters of equality of women, if you think that a separate queue is a possible cure for all the ills associated with gender disparity, think again. Whenever any uncle tags along an aunty with him to a railway reservation counter, hands her the money and the form and places her in the ladies’ queue, he not only makes her look like a puppet but he also makes all of you look like a fool. I feel the purpose is defeated every time that happens. And isn’t the provision of separate queues based on the fact that some people here actually believe that women aren’t strong enough to bear the inconvenience of long queues? That they are weaklings who deserve some leverage? So, doesn’t that make this whole thing self-contradictory? And if this whole system exists to provide some extra convenience to women, aren’t you tilting the balance against the Martians? Trust me, it sucks to be a man when you are standing in a kilometer long queue for hours and suddenly some girl walks right up to the counter, utters the magic words ‘Ladies line hai’ and voila, her work’s done. It hurts. A lot.

Lawmakers and public administrators, you are assholes. Instead of putting up ‘Ladies queue’ boards at every public office, try getting your law and order in order. Prevent crimes against women; give them equal education and employment opportunities; make legal inclusions for them in bureaucracy and government.

Men of this country, don’t think that giving women some space at counters is all that you’ve got to do on your part. Give them space elsewhere too. You know what I’m trying to say. So, let’s just all try to be decent enough and broaden our perspectives. If your thoughts promote equality and respect, your actions will reflect them.

Meanwhile, back at the sweet shop, an uncle tried the old trick of making a puppet out of his wife. Some others followed suit. An elderly fellow raised questioned the morality of this act. A verbal argument ensued and finally it was mayhem at Desi Jim’s Diwali concert!

Queues are made to be broken, eh?

Drunk Delhites vs Harmless Amplifiers

If you have no clue what the title suggests then you probably have the genetic constitution of a chihuahua and were probably jerking off to pornos all Friday afternoon and evening and would have carried on till late night if it wasn’t for biological constraints.

Anyway, before I continue, let us take a look at this…

There are two dominant communities in India- Vandals and Vegetables. All of us secretly wish to belong to the former, but most of us end up being the latter. Friday belonged to the Vandals though. They reaffirmed the world’s image of India as a trash can. So let us have a round of applause for those brave men!

Now the common excuse floating around for yesterday’s mayhem is that the organizers, DNA networks played foul with the audience. That Metallica didn’t want to play in Delhi in the first place itself. That this was all a part of a conspiracy to screw the Dilliwallahs and rob them off their money. My advice to all these dumbnuts is that they should make a roll of all these conspiracy theories and shove it up their butt holes. So much farting from the mouth has rendered them useless anyway!

Read this post and you’ll get an idea how fucked up the average Indian’s thinking process can get. Seriously, the guy doesn’t know what he’s talking about. So better don’t read that post and continue reading this one.

This was certainly not the first time in the history of the world that a rock show was postponed at the 11th hour due to a technical glitch. These kind of things happen all the time. The excuse that the Metallica crew’s insulting behaviour triggered the reaction from the crowd is stupid. You seriously want me to believe that a generation that has grown up on adopting cuss words from all languages, a generation where mothers and sisters are referred to in every other sentence, a generation that makes a movie like Delhi Belly a runaway hit,  got offended just because a firangi allegedly used the F word while addressing them? Horse shit would taste better than this crap!

Neither Metallica nor the organizers had asked the crowd to get high on dope and alcohol. They didn’t ask the Gurgaon police to stay a zillion light years away from the venue either. And yes, neither of them instilled the I-can-trash-anything-coz-I’m-a-fucking-angry-Delhite attitude in the crowd. And those of you who are complaining that the security at the venue was low, it was a frigging rock concert, not a UN Convention on International Affairs, you moron! If you can’t manage yourself, don’t expect others to change your diapers for you.

Guys were throwing amplifiers off the stage and then thumping their chest like king-fucking-kongs! The crowd was leading them on with chants of ‘Drop,Drop,Drop’! They were ripping off the wires, stands and paraphernalia worth lakhs and somehow in this entire process they attained a sense of satisfaction. And revenge. And paisa-wasooli too, which by the way is one of the prime principles of the Indian way of living. Nobody seems to notice that. Everybody is saying the people got screwed, the junta is the victim. What kind of victim trashes its victimizer? Those guys were enjoying what they were doing. In fact it looked like they were happy things turned out the way they did. Because had Metallica actually performed, they wouldn’t have understood a word of it (being oblivious to English) but now they got to do all the good things in life- dope, riot and later on banging their arm candy chics!

And as for a concert, the usual Mika gigs happen all the year round. What’s the big deal?

The latest news is that 4 of the organizers have been arrested on charges of cheating. What about the vandals? Those ass wipes have tarnished the image of the Indian rock fans all over the world. Who would like to perform in a country where people need an excuse to start a riot?

Those that were present at Leisure Valley Park yesterday were not metal heads, they were shit heads! And shit heads deserve no rock concert.

The Shit Serving Duo of Bollywood and Salman Khan!

It is still beyond the limits of my reasoning how a huge pile of crap called ‘Bodyfart’ ‘Bodyguard’ could break the all time records of Box Office collections. The only things it was supposed to break were  (A) Salman’s delusion of being an actor (B) Viewers’ balls due to sheer torture and (C) The never ending series of crappy Salman movies. On the contrary(and unfortunately) what happened was that (A) Salman’s delusion went a notch up to ‘egocentricity’ (B) Viewers’ took a liking to self-castration and happily shelled money for the procedure and (C) The aforementioned series reached a new milestone!

The unprecedented success of something( I am still unable to call it a movie) like Bodyguard speaks volumes about the Bollywood and the average Indian film viewer. But I’ll deal with those two a bit later on. Right now, let’s train our guns at Sallu miyan!

The guy can’t act even if his life depended on it. Mr. Khan suffers from congenital constipation which is very much evident in the weird faces he makes on the screen. To tell you the truth- Sheru, the hydrophobic dog in my hostel, has a more expressive face than Salman Khan. And I bet even the most hardcore Sallu fan doesn’t have the balls to defend him on this one.
The only dance form he learnt seems to be a cross between the movements of a waiter,a juggler and a stripper and includes vulgar shriveling of his waxed butt, flexing of steroid pumped biceps and innuendo gesticulations. I don’t know how can people who have watched Hrithik, Shahid and Prabhudeva  even stand the I-have-an-itch-everywhere gig of Salman!
Salman is known to throw tantrums and change the script at his will, something which seems fitting only on genuine actors like Aamir Khan,Johnny Depp, Big B and Hrithik Roshan, not a gutter trash like himself. His firm belief in ‘acting is a form of impromptu’ policy makes him any co-star’s nightmare.

There are many actors in Bollywood who can’t act or dance or both- Akshay Kumar, Ranbir Kapoor, Abhishek Bachchan,  Tushar Kapoor, John Abraham, Arjun Rampal….the list is long. But they all have unique traits – from being a hog-swirling casanova to being the sperms of a veteran actors; from having a demagogic bitch as a sister to being good looking homosexuals – that have helped them falsely establish themselves as stars(not actors still, mind you!). But Salman even doesn’t have these traits,which makes his popularity seem all the more stupid and irritating.

People will tell you, it’s the ‘Salman phenomenon‘. I don’t know whoever coined that term, but he surely must have had brains the size of a rat’s droppings. If you want to see a real ‘phenomenon’, just take a look at a DiCaprio or a Depp movie. That’s called solely driving a movies to success. The ‘Salman phenomenon’ is nothing but a brainless script that is easy for a plebeian mind to comprehend and digest + some shitty comic scenes that stopped generating humour after the 19th century + an item number with a catchy but entirely meaningless line + excessive publicity of the star’s humanitarian side (like that’s got anything to do with the movie at all; even my hostel mess workers wear Being Human tees. That doesn’t make them good actors!) + a strategic release on a communal holiday. That’s how you get a hit in India. No wonder the dearth of Oscars!

Well, only a fool like Salman Khan could/should/would do the kind of movies he does. And Bollywood promotes him for the sole purpose of selling these otherwise trashy scripts. It’s a carefully planned out symbiotic relationship that cultivates a maniacal liking for something which, in reality, ought to be farted upon! But such are the times that public ko apna ch**iya katwa ke bada mazaa aata hai!

Also read The Prostitutionalization of MTV India

Love, Sex aur Dhokha!

Basant 2011

I had already had my share of fun in the day watching the 60 somethings slug it out in the ‘Alumni Sports’. My sincerest apologies, but it was funny! I know when I’ll be on the wrong side of 60, I too will find it difficult to make the bat meet the ball, and a 20 something lad would be making fun of me, but that’s a long time from now,so I can be a jerk for the time being!

Then there was the kite-flying session. It actually turned out to be a miniature kite flying session, with the kites brought from Liliput for the cheapest rates, probably 100 pieces for a buck. Bummer! And the‘manjha’ was actually synthetic ‘saddi’ in fancy bright yellows and greens! Now if you give that kind of cheapo stuff to a UP wallah and ask him to go fly a kite, then he would probably tie your bum to the kite and send you soaring!
Anyway, after a morning of disappointment, I was eagerly looking forward to the evening. I was roaming around with a camera in the college grounds. It had been close to 2 hours and I had clicked the event in all its details. Now, I was looking for those candid, spicy shots! And my mood was coinciding by the rose giving session. It had been going on for a while, but was starting to pick up the pace as the sun was setting. Perhaps, the guys would find it easier to save their faces in the dark in case something goes wrong!
See, it goes this way. First year girls sell roses to anyone whose willing(or not) to buy them, at ten times their actual cost. That’s making money, all right. The guy who purchases it (or is forced to purchase it) then gives that rose to a girl, who invariably is from the first year.(New chicks seem to be an easy prey!) And so the rose safely makes its way back to the sales window from where it is again set as bait to catch another fool. Smart business, eh??
So I see these two girls approach a guy. Both of them are carrying red roses,lots of them. After a lot of debate and no-no, the guy, very unwillingly, purchases a red rose for 200 bucks! And if that’s not stupid enough the guy asks the seller girl to accept it. The seller girl refuses,which actually surprises me. Given that if she had accepted, she was practically getting 200 bucks for free! (Which again proves that most girls are dumb, and they can only appear clever in the company of a dumber guy!)
The guy is left pondering what to do with that rose bud, while the seller girl ruthlessly says out to her partner-in-crime, as both of them walk across me- “Mujhe kya karna hai? Wos kisi ko bhi de rose…mujhe toh sirf paise se matlab hai!”
(No) Love, (No) Sex, (Only) Dhokha!