Outlandish Beginnings

Hello readers! I hope the first month of 2013 lived up to its hype and by now all of your resolutions have deflated like those birthday balloons usually found under the bed the next morning. Life is back to being busy, bitchy and boring for many of us. I would be lying if I told you I didn’t get time to post something on the blog. It’s been almost 10 months since I moved to Ahmedabad and there’s so much I want to write about. But with the little time that I’m left with after all the classes, assignments, projects, competitions and stuff I try and catch some sleep.
Anyway, don’t lose hope in me. Not yet! Talking of competitions, I would like to share an entry for a competition I recently took part in. It was conducted by FMS Delhi and was titled ‘Media Maestros’. The final round required the teams to write two articles. The one I’ve shared below is the first of the two articles and was supposed to be a humorous newspaper style report/article connecting all the expressions/situations in the picture (I’ve shared that too, so you can get the context of the article) in less than 500 words. So here it goes…

The ImageCosmic Conspiracy!!
Aliens are staying with us in our world; Man of Steel exists for real

Mumbai| Jan 26, 2013, 00:00 AM IST

The proofs of existence of extra-terrestrial lives could not have been stranger. In a startling revelation that has sent ripples across the world, aliens are for real. One of the alien is none other than India’s current minister of communication and information technology, Kapil Sibal, while the other is a renowned name in music industry today- Adele! And things don’t stop getting weirder here. According to our sources, Superman exists in real life and is the son of Kapil Sibal!

One of our most trusted correspondents, ‘The Lone Cat’, reported that while looking for her lost friends on Facebook, she came across a profile titled ‘Son of Sardar’. According to her, the profile looked suspicious and when she probed further she realized it belonged to Superman. But what came as an absolute shocker was the fact that the profile had pictures of Superman with Kapil Sibbal and Adele, the British pop sensation. However, ‘The Lone Cat’ soon found out that in his personal information, Superman had mentioned his parent’s name to be Sib-El and Ade-El respectively, instead of Jor-El as we know it. From there on it wasn’t tough to relate ‘Sibbal’ and ‘Adele’ to Superman. It has also been confirmed that while Ade-El actually belongs to Kryptonite, Sib-El hails from a lesser known (shithole of a) planet in outer space, identified by scientists as ‘Moronite’.

When we tried to approach Sib-El for confirmation, he simply refuted the news saying it was a figment of the Lone Cat’s imagination. But the British singer was not so subtle in her replies. When our reporters confronted her with questions regarding her extra-terrestrial origins at the Brits awards function, she blasted out saying- “Yes I am an alien! And I am the mother of Superman! And all the people who make fat jokes, try giving birth to a ball of steel! I absolutely hate women who stay thin as a wafer even during their pregnancies. Here’s one for all of them!” And with that she flipped her middle finger to the audience. Speculations are rife that the middle finger gesture was a direct remark to Kate Middleton, the latest addition to British royal family who’s expecting. As can be seen from the photographs, Kate didn’t exactly take to Ade-El’s remarks nicely.

As with other matters concerning global community, the United States have come ahead as the flag bearer of world peace and Barack Obama yesterday addressed the nations of the world, telling them it was a ‘time of crisis’ and a ‘threat to the world peace’ as to how could someone like ‘The Lone Cat’ have so much power and access to resources and technology. “This is dangerous. So much power in such tiny paws cannot be tolerated. We need to wage a war against ‘Purrism’. “

In line with this, dogs across the world, fearing global feline domination have started pouring into the Vatican to seek blessing from the Pope whose new mantra is ‘Bitch Please’!

Meanwhile, Superman when contacted sent our respondent ‘for a toss’! When last contacted, the Indian Prime Minister was still thinking on what to say to our correspondent.

Team Outlandish

Our team, comprising of myself, Sukaran Thakur and Savyasachi Hebbar stood second overall! Cheers! 🙂

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The Shit Serving Duo of Bollywood and Salman Khan!

It is still beyond the limits of my reasoning how a huge pile of crap called ‘Bodyfart’ ‘Bodyguard’ could break the all time records of Box Office collections. The only things it was supposed to break were  (A) Salman’s delusion of being an actor (B) Viewers’ balls due to sheer torture and (C) The never ending series of crappy Salman movies. On the contrary(and unfortunately) what happened was that (A) Salman’s delusion went a notch up to ‘egocentricity’ (B) Viewers’ took a liking to self-castration and happily shelled money for the procedure and (C) The aforementioned series reached a new milestone!

The unprecedented success of something( I am still unable to call it a movie) like Bodyguard speaks volumes about the Bollywood and the average Indian film viewer. But I’ll deal with those two a bit later on. Right now, let’s train our guns at Sallu miyan!

The guy can’t act even if his life depended on it. Mr. Khan suffers from congenital constipation which is very much evident in the weird faces he makes on the screen. To tell you the truth- Sheru, the hydrophobic dog in my hostel, has a more expressive face than Salman Khan. And I bet even the most hardcore Sallu fan doesn’t have the balls to defend him on this one.
The only dance form he learnt seems to be a cross between the movements of a waiter,a juggler and a stripper and includes vulgar shriveling of his waxed butt, flexing of steroid pumped biceps and innuendo gesticulations. I don’t know how can people who have watched Hrithik, Shahid and Prabhudeva  even stand the I-have-an-itch-everywhere gig of Salman!
Salman is known to throw tantrums and change the script at his will, something which seems fitting only on genuine actors like Aamir Khan,Johnny Depp, Big B and Hrithik Roshan, not a gutter trash like himself. His firm belief in ‘acting is a form of impromptu’ policy makes him any co-star’s nightmare.

There are many actors in Bollywood who can’t act or dance or both- Akshay Kumar, Ranbir Kapoor, Abhishek Bachchan,  Tushar Kapoor, John Abraham, Arjun Rampal….the list is long. But they all have unique traits – from being a hog-swirling casanova to being the sperms of a veteran actors; from having a demagogic bitch as a sister to being good looking homosexuals – that have helped them falsely establish themselves as stars(not actors still, mind you!). But Salman even doesn’t have these traits,which makes his popularity seem all the more stupid and irritating.

People will tell you, it’s the ‘Salman phenomenon‘. I don’t know whoever coined that term, but he surely must have had brains the size of a rat’s droppings. If you want to see a real ‘phenomenon’, just take a look at a DiCaprio or a Depp movie. That’s called solely driving a movies to success. The ‘Salman phenomenon’ is nothing but a brainless script that is easy for a plebeian mind to comprehend and digest + some shitty comic scenes that stopped generating humour after the 19th century + an item number with a catchy but entirely meaningless line + excessive publicity of the star’s humanitarian side (like that’s got anything to do with the movie at all; even my hostel mess workers wear Being Human tees. That doesn’t make them good actors!) + a strategic release on a communal holiday. That’s how you get a hit in India. No wonder the dearth of Oscars!

Well, only a fool like Salman Khan could/should/would do the kind of movies he does. And Bollywood promotes him for the sole purpose of selling these otherwise trashy scripts. It’s a carefully planned out symbiotic relationship that cultivates a maniacal liking for something which, in reality, ought to be farted upon! But such are the times that public ko apna ch**iya katwa ke bada mazaa aata hai!

Also read The Prostitutionalization of MTV India