10 Very Good (And Highly Speculative) Reasons Behind J.Jayalalithaa’s Publicity Gimmick

REASON NO. 1

Because frankly, with all the self conceited astronomical splurging of the taxpayer’s money by our very own behen Maya ‘Douchebag’ Vati up north, and with Mamata BANnerjee’s refusal to co-operate with anything living, dead  dying or in a vegetative state (aka the ‘Manmohan Singh syndrome’) due east, the women politics’ scene badly needed another angle. With Jayalalitha back in the scene, the situation has surely got the much needed edge. I’m pretty sure there is an edge. Just might have to dig through kilometer deep layers of fat to get to it though.

REASON NO. 2

Because unlike others, Jayalalithaa’s government is the most efficient, most corruption free, most achieving and most important of all, most concerned with people’s interest. Or so Miss J. wants us to believe through her full frontal scenes. *Pun strongly intended*

REASON NO. 3

Because no available technology/software could fit J.Jayalalithaa into a smaller space.

REASON NO. 4

Because in the long, incessant war between the North and the South over who is the more ASSorted part of India, this is a battle won for the Dravidians. What better a smack than wiping out pages of a leading northern daily with your southie government’s anniversary celebrations. Hurray! Go Amma!

REASON NO. 5

Because it is TOI- The Trash of India. The advertisements somehow always make more sense than the news in that newspaper.

REASON NO. 6

Because Mr. A Raja finally needed to be told to stop hogging the limelight like a week old hungry pig suddenly released in the cellar of a 5-star hotel. Somebody needed to stand up and tell him that he cannot just expect to make it to the front page every-fucking-time. DAAAYYYM bro, that ain’t happening no more ! AIADMK 1. DMK-0.

REASON NO. 7

Because NEVER is the number of times that the Indian print media would get enough of revenue from advertisements.  Newspapers are the only example of human-controlled black holes, devouring any ad space-buyer that chances upon their way. I’m sure the day is not far when the hawkers delivering the newspapers would also be tattooed with advertisements.

REASON NO. 8

Because when Silk Smitha got to walk away with all the tinsel town attention, Miss. J must have felt ignored like hell. And that’s how the Big Mommy replies!

REASON NO. 9

Because this is India. The national goal of 21st century India is to be remembered in the future as the diarrhoeal asshole of the world. Both literally and figuratively. How else could you explain our population rate and shit-piling of the finest order like this one?

REASON NO. 10

Because when you are Jayalalitha, size is the only thing that matters.

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The Rattling Just Wouldn’t Go!

Mornings can play a complete bitch sometimes. Given the amount of responsibility on its shoulders, you would expect a decent morning to prep you up for the day ahead. But no sir, with great responsibility comes the license to play a bitch!

The routine schedule of going through e-mails and reading random blogs, along with the usual side platters Facebook and Twitter, was disturbed by dear mommy’s distress call. Now, let me tell you THAT is not the thing you want in the morning. That’s the thing you don’t want the whole day either. Or night. She has this way of calling out my monosyllable nick in different ways to go with her purpose and mood. It’s like a Britannica of tones and we certainly don’t want to venture in that territory, not at the moment at least.

I got my lazy ass up to the kitchen which was the source of SOS. Apparently, the fridge was giving some trouble, making unwanted rattles. It kind of looked like an attention seeking tactic to me. Both on the part of the fridge and the mom. The most I was going to do was push,pull and turn the fridge. Probably finishing off with a kick in its ass,which seemed to be the trouble maker. Mom could have done that. She is better at kicking asses than me. But then, maybe this is her idea of telling me I need to get up and start doing some household work. And that the money they have spent on my engineering needs to be materialized thus.

Acting like a professional (mind the word ‘acting’ here), I examined the annoyed patient. It looked like an alignment problem. Probably the floor was playing foul which made the fridge cranky. My limited engineering knowledge prompted a push-pull-turn action. Nothing happened. Repeated it. No respite from the groaning appliance. 15 minutes gone and now along with the fridge I had to listen to mom’s rattlings too. So much for helping your parents! Like it was my fucking fault that the fridge was being a dildo!

Anyway, from force I turned to pleadings. I started pressing the fridge in different places, mentally asking it to calm down and not escalate the situation. It kind of worked actually as the noise stopped after a few minutes of pampering. Guess it had had enough attention for the day.

I looked triumphantly at mom, who downplayed it and opened the fridge to take out items for breakfast. And suddenly, the rattle resurfaced! What the hell fridge? Why won’t you just keep quiet?

It’s been over an hour now since the kitchen fiasco and I gave up about half an hour back. Even the kick didn’t work. I am having my breakfast now. Cornflakes with a heavy dose of nagging and rattling.

I hate this morning. I hope not everyone’s new year started with a struggle with home appliances!

PS- I am thinking of starting a comic strip on the blog soon. Excited!

India Needs a Revolution, Not a Revolutionary

Enough has been said, heard, written and read on the now ubiquitous Jan Lokpal Bill and Anna Hazare. For the past year or so, the nation has witnessed and participated in the moment that has been slated as ‘the end of corruption in India’. I have often wondered why all this time I never wrote anything on the issue. Going by the amount of related data currently circulating on the internet, especially social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter, anything I would have written would have had an ephemeral lifetime and then it would be lost in all the brouhaha.

Why now? Because now I am starting to see an equilibrium being initiated in an otherwise unilateral agitation (movement, if one wants to call it that). The haughtiness of the campaign leader(s), which had been carried over to an extent in the followers, is now finally giving way to the much needed reasoning and a reasonable dialogue between the people and the government. Now is the right time for showing the other side of the coin.

I will begin by asking one simple question- What is corruption? We have all heard this word over a zillion times in the last few months, and every time we do, we instantly declare how much we hate it, how eager we are to get rid of it and that there need to be stricter laws to deal with it. I would like to know, is corruption an individual? Or a group of individuals? An institution or perhaps an organization? No, it isn’t. Corruption, like all other social evils, does not have a physical entity. Corruption, like dowry, domestic violence, honour killing, gender discrimination and female foeticide, cannot be tried in a court of law and punished. The accused- the corrupted- can be punished, but saying that it will lead to eradication of corruption is akin to believing that a sinking ship can be saved not by repairing the hole but by drying up the ocean. We all know it can’t be done.

And I have examples from both distant and recent past to demonstrate this fact. Fully competent laws exist against dowry and domestic violence. I take them into consideration because these are the two most widespread, deeply rooted social ills, which also happen to be the most under reported crimes. Thus, these two resemble corruption the most in occurrence and treatment. In the recent years, there has been an increase in the number of cases pertaining to domestic violence and/or dowry being bought to light all over the country. However, two things worth mentioning are- The number of reported cases constitute a fraction of the actual number of happenings and that the urban-rural divide can very well be seen here too. The former can be attributed to the fact that no matter how much developed India claims to be, women are still supposed to play second fiddle in a largely male dominated society. It is expected from them to be forever obedient to their halves and it is imperative that any nay-saying or straying from the usual course would be meted out with punishment, even physical abuse. As far as dowry is concerned, in many parts of India it is still seen as an integral part of  the ‘culture’. And so is ‘Sati’, against which people have been working since the time of Raja Ram Mohan Roy. All these maladies are more prevalent in rural areas, where education levels are low and people are still chained in dogmas. Today, Gram Panchayats, which were supposed to be the epitome of grass-roots governance, have their integrity in question because of a plethora of cases of the panchayats in Northern India supporting and even participating in honour-killing.

The fight against these evils has tilted against us. Why? Certainly not because there aren’t laws to deal with them. The crude, and cruel,  fact is that the guilty here is the mindset of a majority of Indian population. And the errors in mindset cannot be corrected in a court of law. The questions of morality cannot be answered by looking up the tomes of IPC. No doubt, laws need to be there against every possible form of violation of the ethical and moral code of conduct expected from an intellectually and morally developed society. But what if the morals are flawed, or worse, what if the necessary morals are missing?

I don’t see any reason why the fight against corruption will not meet with the same fate as the fight against domestic violence or dowry or Sati. My pessimism (if you want to call it that) arises from some very simple observations. Most of us treat the traffic and safety rules as a choice instead of following them sincerely. We simply don’t care about helmets, seat belts or signals. And when caught, 5 out of 10 times we will bribe a traffic police cop to evade penalty (I’m being very modest here because actually it should be at least 8/10). And then we blame the ‘system’ for the accidents and the traffic jams. Many of us will get railway reservations through agents and will be more than happy to pay ‘commission’ in exchange for a few minutes of hassle saved and a confirmed ticket. And whenever we are at the receiving end of this malpractice, we would either simply blame the ‘system’ or worse, try to bribe the T.T.E. Wherever it is possible to get the work done by showing some greens, we will happily take the detour.

And then we have the guts to blame the ‘system’ while sipping coffee and munching biscuits on a Sunday morning. The system needs reforms, agreed. And we are a part of it too. Hell, we are the system! A Tata Tea ‘Jaago Re’ ad campaign or a video of a chocolate-boy-turned-rebel-without-a-cause and claiming his ‘Haq’ raises only ephemeral social activists and brings only insignificant changes. The fight against corruption requires all of us to change the way we think. Permanently. This change won’t come in a day. You can initiate the process with the formulation of necessary laws. But it will still be the case of a paper tiger that will get its teeth only when the aam aadmi, in metros as well as in villages, realizes that a billion dollar scam is as bad as a 100 bucks bribe and that illegal mining of coal does as much damage to the country as the illegal consumption of electricity in a locality.

I was surprised when comparisons were drawn between Anna Hazare and Mahatma Gandhi. Both because of the similarities and the contrasts between the men in question. Anna tends to overshadow the entire campaign, much the same way as Bapu overshadowed the Freedom movement. I do not question his contribution, I simply want to point out how other people’s contributions was diluted because of the undue focus on one man. History is repeating itself here again. Somewhere in the chants for the leader, the cause is getting lost. People are awestruck by Anna’s ironclad image, forgetting he is but the face of a team that has worked for years without rest to formulate the JLP. He is not the answer to corruption. He is just one of the many of us who are seeking an answer to corruption. In a movement of this proportion, someone will naturally emerge at the forefront. And with the timeline, he might be replaced by someone else.

Courtesy: blessinsblogcenter.blogspot.com

The contrast I mentioned is in the situation. Bapu fought against a monarchy. Anna seems to have confused a faltering democracy with an autocracy. His methods are not suitable in a parliamentary democracy. No matter how dysfunctional the government is or has become, democracy demands that the people and their chosen representatives solve problems through a sustained and sustainable dialogue . Anna’s haughtiness and lack of willingness to listen to others is frightening. I cannot even imagine what will happen if every one of the billion Indians sat on an indefinite hunger strike to bring the government on its knees and get their demands approved. I am not ready to believe that all the people sitting in the Parliament and all the bureaucracy are corrupt. And unfortunately if I’m wrong, I have every reason to believe that 9 or 10 ombudsmen that come into force with the Lokpal will also be corrupt. In which case, the present situation would only worsen, maybe beyond repair. When recently Anna’s integrity was questioned in a TV interview, a member of Team Anna( why not Team Jan Lokpal?) said nobody’s perfect. That’s my point too. Nobody is perfect. So when the ombudsmen will falter, who will ensure they are checked?

I am in no way averse to the entire Jan Lokpal Bill campaign. What bugs me is that people tend to believe that the fight against corruption will end with the successful introduction of a Bill. Ironically, the fight will only start after that. I would love to see people’s faces when they will be required to report a relative involved in a corruption case. I would love to see the choices they will make. I would love to see morality and rationality beating dogmas and injustice, for once. But until that happens, I would be contended with correcting my own flaws and making sure I do not mock the very system I am fighting for.

Flash in the pan: Why Delhi mob failed

Location, Timing, Planning

Choked up marketplace. Evening time. Ferocious aunties haggling with shopkeepers, listless uncles waiting impatiently to get home, street vendors trying to make the most of the rush hour and couples looking for some quite, private time. One can’t just expect to gatecrash this sort of  a setting and walk away like Hrithik Roshan at IIFA awards. I doubt that within the few square meters of space available, the mob would have shaken a leg without kicking a dozen in the groin and slapping another dozen in the face.

The reason why Mumbai mob was able to tame the famed humongous crowd of CST was meticulous planning. They had practiced for weeks, sought permission of authorities and the whole act was managed perfectly. And that’s why they could pull off a stunt of that magnitude in a place that, together with Kumbh Melas, accounts for the most number of separated kith and kin, especially twins.

The Prelude Factor

The Mumbai flash mob opened up with ‘Chak De India’- the anthem of India’s youngistan. The song that gives goosebumps to dead bodies! People stood still as CST’s 100.1  speakers set stage for a truly amazing display of Mumbai’s spirit.
Back here in Delhi however, we can hear a middle-age man asking people, in his ennui ridden voice, to perform background checks on domestic helps and cautioning them against unidentified objects, suspicious strangers and terrorism. Really not the right kind of start when the idea is to mob the streets, is it? It’s like a PETA commercial being played at the inauguration of a KFC joint!

(Lack of) Background Music

Seriously guys, what were you thinking? I get it that dancing without background music might be a revolutionary concept in some parts of the world. But hey, this is India! We have a song-dance sequence for every f***ing situation. It’s our second largest product after babies!
Yes, I could hear a  feeble Delhi-6 title track being played in the background, probably from someone’s Nokia 2690. You wanna match Rang De Basanti-on-CST-loudspeakers with that kinda arsenal, boy you are definitely in for a sonic surprise! And whatever happened to those shops in Nehru Place selling electronic goods for ridiculously low prices?

Delhi Police

Nobody, and I mean nobody can get their way with Delhi police’s Haryanvi-Jatt battalion (which constitutes approximately 99% of all Delhi Police). मा पो से guys look way cooler than our home-bred badmouthed, stick wielding fiends. Trust me, the last thing you want to do is to get into an argument with a Delhi Police cop. I’m sure if it hadn’t been for the media and the dozens of pretty lasses present at the scene yesterday, a lot of guys would have gone home with burgundy buttocks!

Purpose

While the Mumbai act was clearly a display of determination and the joie de vivre spirit of the city, the Delhi act looked more like a ‘Hey, me too’ thing! Coming within a few days of the Mumbai flash, it isn’t hard to understand that the Delhi act seemed more about just being noticed than anything else. In fact, at 1:12 in the video you can actually hear a guy saying- “Saare channel waale aa gaye hain, chaalu ho jao, chalu ho jao” (The media has arrived, come on start!). I rest my case.

So dear Dilliwallahs, the next time you plan to go for a flash mob, please consider these things- (a) Plan & rehearse. Half hearted throws of body parts are not that appealing (b) Visit Palika Market/Nehru Place for best buy audio equipment (c) Choose a better location (d) Get a real mob. I could only see a handful of people there in the name of a ‘mob’. And even they vanished in a ‘flash’!

Drunk Delhites vs Harmless Amplifiers

If you have no clue what the title suggests then you probably have the genetic constitution of a chihuahua and were probably jerking off to pornos all Friday afternoon and evening and would have carried on till late night if it wasn’t for biological constraints.

Anyway, before I continue, let us take a look at this…

There are two dominant communities in India- Vandals and Vegetables. All of us secretly wish to belong to the former, but most of us end up being the latter. Friday belonged to the Vandals though. They reaffirmed the world’s image of India as a trash can. So let us have a round of applause for those brave men!

Now the common excuse floating around for yesterday’s mayhem is that the organizers, DNA networks played foul with the audience. That Metallica didn’t want to play in Delhi in the first place itself. That this was all a part of a conspiracy to screw the Dilliwallahs and rob them off their money. My advice to all these dumbnuts is that they should make a roll of all these conspiracy theories and shove it up their butt holes. So much farting from the mouth has rendered them useless anyway!

Read this post and you’ll get an idea how fucked up the average Indian’s thinking process can get. Seriously, the guy doesn’t know what he’s talking about. So better don’t read that post and continue reading this one.

This was certainly not the first time in the history of the world that a rock show was postponed at the 11th hour due to a technical glitch. These kind of things happen all the time. The excuse that the Metallica crew’s insulting behaviour triggered the reaction from the crowd is stupid. You seriously want me to believe that a generation that has grown up on adopting cuss words from all languages, a generation where mothers and sisters are referred to in every other sentence, a generation that makes a movie like Delhi Belly a runaway hit,  got offended just because a firangi allegedly used the F word while addressing them? Horse shit would taste better than this crap!

Neither Metallica nor the organizers had asked the crowd to get high on dope and alcohol. They didn’t ask the Gurgaon police to stay a zillion light years away from the venue either. And yes, neither of them instilled the I-can-trash-anything-coz-I’m-a-fucking-angry-Delhite attitude in the crowd. And those of you who are complaining that the security at the venue was low, it was a frigging rock concert, not a UN Convention on International Affairs, you moron! If you can’t manage yourself, don’t expect others to change your diapers for you.

Guys were throwing amplifiers off the stage and then thumping their chest like king-fucking-kongs! The crowd was leading them on with chants of ‘Drop,Drop,Drop’! They were ripping off the wires, stands and paraphernalia worth lakhs and somehow in this entire process they attained a sense of satisfaction. And revenge. And paisa-wasooli too, which by the way is one of the prime principles of the Indian way of living. Nobody seems to notice that. Everybody is saying the people got screwed, the junta is the victim. What kind of victim trashes its victimizer? Those guys were enjoying what they were doing. In fact it looked like they were happy things turned out the way they did. Because had Metallica actually performed, they wouldn’t have understood a word of it (being oblivious to English) but now they got to do all the good things in life- dope, riot and later on banging their arm candy chics!

And as for a concert, the usual Mika gigs happen all the year round. What’s the big deal?

The latest news is that 4 of the organizers have been arrested on charges of cheating. What about the vandals? Those ass wipes have tarnished the image of the Indian rock fans all over the world. Who would like to perform in a country where people need an excuse to start a riot?

Those that were present at Leisure Valley Park yesterday were not metal heads, they were shit heads! And shit heads deserve no rock concert.

Emancipation

The sight of shining metal under the moonlight tells me I’m alive!

The woman in my bed, screaming-“Get back here, don’t you dare leave me!-tells me I’m pretty much dead!

The warmth of the saddle is inviting,

More than the wholesome body back in my bed.

The black leather is enticing,

Never looked that good on the bitch back there!

The engine’s still cold,

Certainly not as cold as I felt with her.

The fuel’s where it oughta be.

The girl’s getting what she gave to me.

But it ain’t gas that fires the smoke off the pipe.

Its memories that are gonna burn tonight.

The click of the throttle tells me it’s time to move.

The woman’s still pouring her lungs out. ‘think it’s really time to move on.

The road’s empty and devoid of a living soul.

Pretty much the same state as I.

I look back one last time. Not at her, no.

It’s just to appreciate what lies ahead.

The spark turns it up. Ignites me. Sets her on fire.

The roar of the pistons drowns her clamour.

I breathe in the spirit of the night. And with it my life back.

There’s nothing I leave behind save dust, dirt and a dead relationship.

The Shit Serving Duo of Bollywood and Salman Khan!

It is still beyond the limits of my reasoning how a huge pile of crap called ‘Bodyfart’ ‘Bodyguard’ could break the all time records of Box Office collections. The only things it was supposed to break were  (A) Salman’s delusion of being an actor (B) Viewers’ balls due to sheer torture and (C) The never ending series of crappy Salman movies. On the contrary(and unfortunately) what happened was that (A) Salman’s delusion went a notch up to ‘egocentricity’ (B) Viewers’ took a liking to self-castration and happily shelled money for the procedure and (C) The aforementioned series reached a new milestone!

The unprecedented success of something( I am still unable to call it a movie) like Bodyguard speaks volumes about the Bollywood and the average Indian film viewer. But I’ll deal with those two a bit later on. Right now, let’s train our guns at Sallu miyan!

The guy can’t act even if his life depended on it. Mr. Khan suffers from congenital constipation which is very much evident in the weird faces he makes on the screen. To tell you the truth- Sheru, the hydrophobic dog in my hostel, has a more expressive face than Salman Khan. And I bet even the most hardcore Sallu fan doesn’t have the balls to defend him on this one.
The only dance form he learnt seems to be a cross between the movements of a waiter,a juggler and a stripper and includes vulgar shriveling of his waxed butt, flexing of steroid pumped biceps and innuendo gesticulations. I don’t know how can people who have watched Hrithik, Shahid and Prabhudeva  even stand the I-have-an-itch-everywhere gig of Salman!
Salman is known to throw tantrums and change the script at his will, something which seems fitting only on genuine actors like Aamir Khan,Johnny Depp, Big B and Hrithik Roshan, not a gutter trash like himself. His firm belief in ‘acting is a form of impromptu’ policy makes him any co-star’s nightmare.

There are many actors in Bollywood who can’t act or dance or both- Akshay Kumar, Ranbir Kapoor, Abhishek Bachchan,  Tushar Kapoor, John Abraham, Arjun Rampal….the list is long. But they all have unique traits – from being a hog-swirling casanova to being the sperms of a veteran actors; from having a demagogic bitch as a sister to being good looking homosexuals – that have helped them falsely establish themselves as stars(not actors still, mind you!). But Salman even doesn’t have these traits,which makes his popularity seem all the more stupid and irritating.

People will tell you, it’s the ‘Salman phenomenon‘. I don’t know whoever coined that term, but he surely must have had brains the size of a rat’s droppings. If you want to see a real ‘phenomenon’, just take a look at a DiCaprio or a Depp movie. That’s called solely driving a movies to success. The ‘Salman phenomenon’ is nothing but a brainless script that is easy for a plebeian mind to comprehend and digest + some shitty comic scenes that stopped generating humour after the 19th century + an item number with a catchy but entirely meaningless line + excessive publicity of the star’s humanitarian side (like that’s got anything to do with the movie at all; even my hostel mess workers wear Being Human tees. That doesn’t make them good actors!) + a strategic release on a communal holiday. That’s how you get a hit in India. No wonder the dearth of Oscars!

Well, only a fool like Salman Khan could/should/would do the kind of movies he does. And Bollywood promotes him for the sole purpose of selling these otherwise trashy scripts. It’s a carefully planned out symbiotic relationship that cultivates a maniacal liking for something which, in reality, ought to be farted upon! But such are the times that public ko apna ch**iya katwa ke bada mazaa aata hai!

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